The other day, my friend Nick accused me of watching only trash. I then proceeded to prove him right by forcing him to watch Swim (2021).
I don't watch a lot of movies. I want to change that, though, and to practice reviewing them at the same time I'm starting this column. Every Friday I'll review a movie that's free on Tubi. I'm focusing more on the reviews being extand than good.
Back to Swim (2021). Written by Anthony C. Ferrante and directed by Jared Cohn, it's a straightforward Jaws ripoff with a tiwst: Nobody fucking dies in it.
I guess that's not fair. The movie's about a family in California taking their summer vacation in the house they've rented for years. A bad storm's coming in, washing a shark up to shore. It eats the gay landlord before the family gets there.
The family (Granddad, Mom, Brother, and Sister--Dad is running late) arrive. They greet Brother's Girlfriend's Dad before Brother goes off to swim with Girlfriend. She gets bitten by the shark and is quickly hauled up to the house. She has apparently lost a lot of blood, but nobody told the SFX people that.
The storm worsens and the basement starts flooding. Mom calls a handyman out--the only Black character in the film. He is eaten by the shark, which has swum into the flooding basement.
The flooding worsens to overcome the first floor. Granddad is eaten by the shark, which is still in the house. Mom, Brother, Sister, and Girlfriend relocate to the second floor. Obviously the water levels rise enough so the shark can get up on the second floor, but they cleverly manage to send it out the window and oh my fucking god there's still forty minutes left of this movie? Nothing's happened and there's still nowehere for the plot to go.
I guess the girlfriend's dad died? There was still twenty minutes left in the movie when that happened, though. I don't really remember what happened because Nick and I realized it wasn't worth paying attention to. Eugh. And the shark looked like shit, too.
One star.
